Lurien's Misadventures
by Juliediane
Summary: Lurien the elf, the OC from Elanor's revenge authors a number of stories detailing his problems with various ellith as well as with Haldir and his brothers.
1. The Missing Comb

Title: The Missing Comb  
Author: Lurien of Lórien, Sentinel Extraordinaire, Equal  
Opportunity Lover  
Disclaimer: I, Lurien, know very little about this Tolkien fellow  
and do not own anything he might have created. In particular, I do  
not own (or wish to own) Haldir or his disagreeable brothers. They  
are not even in my story. This is MY story. Mine.  
Cast: Lurien/OFC

The day began like any other. I rose from my bed, glancing  
affectionately at the lovely sleeping elleth beside me. Yesterday's  
festival had been pleasurable, and the evening's festivities had  
grown lively with dancing, singing and revelry. I had partaken  
slightly more than my usual quota of fine wine, which meant that I  
was more inclined to step outside my usual boundaries and try my  
luck with an elleth who had heretofore rejected and ignored me. In  
other words, I felt equipped to cope with another rejection if it  
occurred, and it was perhaps my suave self-assurance in this respect  
that at last won me what I desired. Luckily, the elleth had also  
partaken of wine, and this too may have had something to do with it.

But I digress.

I rose from my bed, glancing affectionately at the sleeping elleth  
beside me, and proceeded into the adjacent room, where I gazed at  
myself in the mirror. I looked the same as always, handsome and  
splendid, my hot summer blue eyes gleaming with satisfaction at my  
victorious wooing of this previously reluctant elleth. (I will  
digress briefly once more, and add that she found her encounter with  
me to be extremely satisfying and that I was able to fulfill her  
every desire and a few she had not known she had. I have never had  
such compliments as those that befell my ears last night, though I  
would not say they were unearned; indeed I had striven mightily to  
please her in all respects.)

In any case, I examined my reflection in the mirror, and discovered  
that my hair had become extremely untidy. The elleth had gripped it  
in her ardor, tangling her fingers while she whimpered of her need  
for me and my expert attentions. Let us say that I had not objected  
at the time to having my hair thusly disarranged since my focus was  
on certain other activities, however this morning was another cup of  
tea. I was soon to report for guard duty, and could not even  
consider leaving my talan with my golden tresses in such acute  
disarray. I therefore opened the little cupboard where I kept my  
personal toiletries and set my hand upon the bottom shelf where I  
kept my comb.

The shelf was bare.

I gazed at it in disbelief. My comb was always on this shelf when  
not in use, and had been so for a thousand years. It was simply not  
credible that it was gone.

I glanced around, wondering if this was all a dream, and then  
pinched myself to be sure. Ouch, bad idea. I was definitely awake.

I examined the other shelves as well as the floor, and then in  
desperation I returned to the other room where the elleth slept, and  
searched there.

Nothing.

I was becoming frantic, as I'm sure you will understand. I did not  
want to be late. What could I do?

I strode across the room and touched the elleth's shoulder. Her  
eyes opened instantly and she smiled. "Lurien," she  
murmured. "Lurien."

She shut her eyes again and sighed softly.

"Ahem," I said to her. Now I do not kiss and tell, which is why I  
am not divulging her name; therefore for this story I will simply  
call her Jane'.

"Jane," I said, trying to stay calm, "my comb is missing."

Jane's eyes reopened. "I know. I took it."

I stared at her in shock. I had not expected such a statement.

"Why?" I somehow managed to ask. It would be fair to say that my  
voice was not steady.

Her lips curved. "Because I like how you look with your hair  
tousled, Lurien. That sexy bedchamber look turns me on. Always  
before you looked too neat for my taste. It made you look stiff and  
prudish. That is why I resisted you for so long. I was not sure  
you could live up to your reputation."

I opened and shut my mouth, at a profound loss for words. A myriad  
of responses rushed through my head, but I knew not what to say.

Finally, I just said, "Give it back."

I fully expected my terseness to earn me a slap or an insult, but I  
was going to be late for guard duty and dire tactics were  
essential. However, once more she shocked me.

"No," she said, and gave me a sex kitten smile that under normal  
circumstances would have had my elfhood snapping to attention.

"No?" I repeated, glaring at her. "Jane, I am due for guard duty  
soon. The sun has almost risen." And so had I, which I expect she  
had noticed already.

She pushed down the sheet, exposing her alluring ellethly  
assets. "Make love to me first, and then I will tell you where it  
is."

I shook my head. "I have no time, Jane. I wish I could. After my  
guard duty, I will gladly give you all you desire as many times as  
you desire it."

"Now," she said. "I'm ready now. I have other plans for later."

In retrospect, I realize that I was more taken aback than I have  
ever been in my life. I had a choice to make and it was not easy.  
Report for guard duty with my hair looking like a haystack or risk  
being late because I was indulging Jane's passionate wishes?

"It'll have to be quick," I said, after a moment's desperate  
consideration.

"That troubles me not." She reached out and grabbed me, and I felt  
myself harden even more. How could I refuse?

I was unused to such speedy proceedings, but being Lurien, I was of  
course fully able to comply. I did notice she was even noisier than  
she had been last night, which made me wonder if I was doing  
something different. Not much, I'd have to say, only I skipped  
certain preliminaries. She didn't seem to mind.

Very soon it was over, and for a moment I lay panting on top of her,  
waiting for my heartbeat to slow down.

"Again," she whispered in my ear.

I lifted my head. "What?" I could not believe my ears.

"Again," she said with a smile. "Make love to me again. That was  
wonderful."

"Jane," I replied in genuine dismay, "I have no time. I must report  
for guard duty this instant."

"Please," she said, batting her lashes. "Once more. Are you not  
able?"

Needless to say, I could not let this pass. "Of course I am able,"  
I said with just a hint of indignation.

"Then show me." Her fingers caressed the tips of my ears, sending  
ripples of desire straight to groin. "Come on, Lurien, everyone  
says you're such a hot ellon. Prove it."

"Everyone says that?" I asked, feeling startled and  
pleased. "Really?" Surely this did not include Galadriel.

"Everyone," she whispered. "You are all we talk about."

I was beginning to get suspicious. "Jane," I said sternly, "I think  
you are toying with me." I rolled off her and stood up, and did not  
even try to conceal from her that my elfhood was also standing,  
thanks to her teasing. Perhaps that would be enough proof.

"Toying with you, Lurien? Nay, you toy with me. I beg you to make  
love to me and you spurn me. You leave me burning and feel no  
remorse."

I wondered if she was still drunk. Surely this could not be  
happening.

"I must leave," I said abruptly. I pivoted around and returned to  
the room where I kept my uniforms. I dressed quickly and returned  
to Jane, unsure what else I could say to her, but to my surprise, I  
found the bed empty. Jane had dressed and gone, and on the pillow  
lay a note. I scanned it rapidly.

Forgive me, Lurien. In a recent conversation with friends, someone  
said that a naked elleth would distract you from anything, even your  
duty. I defended you and said it wasn't true, that you had too much  
honor for that. My friends made a wager, and I sought to prove them  
wrong. One of them was listening outside your talan this morning,  
but I do believe she is now convinced that I was right about your  
honor. I leave you now to ensure I do not delay you further. The  
quickie was marvelous. Your comb is under your pillow.

I had no time to read it again, but I grabbed my comb, raced to my  
mirror, and quickly disentangled my snarls. I then hurried from my  
talan, very conscious of several ellith standing casually a short  
distance away, eyeing me with great interest, and, dare I say,  
admiration?

And so my tale ends, but I will add that "Jane" did visit me later  
after my guard duty ended. The first thing she did was rumple my  
hair, which truly did seem to have an aphrodisiacal effect upon  
her. Any listeners outside my talan must have been very bored since  
for many hours there was no conversation to overhear, although I  
could not say there were no sounds. Needless to say, I, Lurien, was  
up to the task of satisfying the wishes of this lusty elleth well  
into the night and again in the early hours of the dawn.

So what is the moral of this tale?

Firstly, duty should never be neglected. That is obvious.

Secondly, when an elleth who had always ignored you suddenly becomes  
interested, it is well to question why.

Thirdly, quickies are sometimes okay if she says yes.

Fourthly, always keep a spare comb.

xxx

Please continue to read my next adventure!


	2. A Temporary Arrangement

Title: A Temporary Arrangement  
Author: Lurien of Lórien, Sentinel Extraordinaire, Equal  
Opportunity Lover  
Disclaimer: I, Lurien, know very little about this Tolkien fellow  
and do not own anything he might have created. I own only myself  
and nearly 150 combs.  
Cast: Lurien, Haldir

A Temporary Arrangement

When last I shared one of my adventures with you lovely readers, it   
involved the incident of my missing comb and the mischievous and  
lusty elleth who hid it from me. My devoted readers may recall the  
elleth whom I called Jane' in order to protect her identity since I  
do not kiss and tell. However, I soon learned that Jane' did not  
have the same scruples where I was concerned.

The story of how she had tricked me in order to prove my honor soon   
reached the ears of every unattached elleth in Lórien. Happily,  
this meant that my reputation as a Lover Extraordinaire received a   
substantial boost . . . not that it needed it, you understand, but  
some things in life are just inevitable. And why fight the   
inevitable?

Instead, I decided to make the best of it. If I was more in demand  
among the ellith of Lothlórien, could this be a bad thing? I think   
not.

Let it be noted that I now have a sufficient number of combs to  
ensure that I always look my best at all times. Since the missing  
comb incident, a number of ladies and ellith have gifted me with  
combs of various designs and sizes, so that I now have one in every  
room of my talan, several hidden in various locations throughout  
Caras Galadhon, and more than a few in the surrounding forest. I  
feel safe.

But I digress.

Getting back to my story, due to my enhanced reputation as a Lover   
Extraordinaire, it came to pass that I was in demand almost every  
night that I was not on duty. Months passed in this highly  
agreeable manner, and then came a day when something happened. This  
is my account of that incident, as I feel sure it will rivet the   
attention of every one of my female admirers.

It so happened that I set eyes on a new and lovely elleth named,  
ahem, Jane II. I cannot reveal her true name because of what  
occurred later, but I want to be sure to mention that Jane II is a  
different elleth from Jane I.

Jane II was not from Lothlórien, although her mother was. Her   
mother had married one of Thranduil's wood elves, and so it was that  
Jane II had been raised far away from my admiring eyes. However,  
the time came when Jane II decided to visit the land of her mother's   
people, and that is when I first set eyes on her.

I was thunderstruck, completely nailed to the ground by her beauty.   
This is not to imply that I was ready to remove myself from the  
available applicant pool of eligible bachelor ellyn. No, indeed.  
Still, I was very much taken with her, that much I cannot deny.

To my dismay, she hardly noticed me. I realize this is difficult to   
believe, but it is true. Instead, her gaze seemed to be  
magnetically drawn toward my good friend Haldir.

To those of you who are following the fictional story, Elanor's   
Revenge, it might appear that Haldir and I are not the best of  
friends. I will readily admit that he is not, and likely never will  
be, my closest friend. However, I hasten to add that we by no means  
feel any amount of enmity toward each other. Indeed, our  
relationship is most cordial. Thus it was that when Jane II's  
lovely blue eyes fell on the Marchwarden, I was ready to simply  
shrug my broad shoulders and proceed onward to greener pastures (of  
which there were many).

Then came the day when Haldir sought me out.

"Lurien," he said, halting beside my table where I sat alone at my  
favorite Lórien tavern. "May I join you?"

I glanced up. "Certainly," I said civilly. As it happened, I had  
just come from guard duty, and had not yet made any plans for the   
evening, although I had been mulling over my choices as I sipped my   
drink.

Haldir swung his leg over the bench and made himself comfortable.  
The serving elleth hurried over, and he placed his order in his usual   
composed manner. I tried not to notice how she fluttered her  
eyelashes at him. She did that with me too, of course.

"Lurien," Haldir repeated, after she walked away, "I wonder if I  
might talk with you about a personal matter."

"A personal matter?" I echoed, vaguely surprised.

"It involves a certain elleth recently arrived in Lórien."

My nimble mind leaped forward, immediately ascertaining that he was   
referring to Jane II, that lovely elleth from Greenwood who had  
stirred my masculine interest (to a degree that was sometimes  
difficult to conceal).

"Ah," I said, trying to look wise.

"I see you know of whom I speak." Haldir shifted slightly. "You   
may not understand the problem, however."

I could not imagine what problem he might have, however I attempted  
to appear interested and yet disinterested at the same time, no easy   
task I assure you.

"I will be frank," Haldir said, after the serving elleth had brought  
his drink, fluttered her lashes, and departed once more. "This   
elleth (Jane II) is infatuated with me."

"Hmm," said I, still trying to look unconcerned. "Is that a   
problem?"

Haldir touched his goblet, staring at the dark red liquid  
within. "It is in this case. She is not my type."

I stared at him incredulously. Haldir had a type? What type was  
Jane II? She was female, was she not? What else could he want?

"She follows me around," he went on, looking as cool and unflappable   
as he always did. "And I cannot return her interest."

My mouth fell open. "But she is lovely!" I protested.

He smiled, but seemed to choose his words carefully. "True. But   
she is too eager, too innocent, too clingy, and too focused on what  
she wants."

"What does she want?" I asked in true bewilderment. "I mean, I know  
what she wants, of course. Kisses, caresses, and all that comes  
with that."

"Lurien, if that were all she wanted, it wouldn't be a problem. But  
that is not all. She (Jane II) wants . . . a mate."

I gaped at him. "You mean an eternal mate?" My bachelor/playelf  
soul shuddered at the thought.

"Exactly." Haldir sipped his drink, his grey eyes meeting  
mine. "And I am not yet ready for that."

I was not either, I had to admit. "So what is it, exactly, that you  
want from me?" I asked uneasily. For there could be no doubt that  
he wanted something; I could tell by the way he was looking at me.

Haldir smiled faintly. "You're a handsome ellon, fairly popular  
with the ellith."

"FAIRLY popular?" I echoed. "I am extremely popular, my friend."

His smile grew. "So I hear." He then mentioned Jane I' by name;  
apparently her tales had gone beyond female circles. He regarded me  
with some amusement, although its cause was unclear. I would have   
expected admiration and perhaps a smidgeon of envy, but no doubt he  
felt these too and was simply concealing it.

"Well, then? What is it you want from me?" I queried with mixed   
emotions.

Haldir leaned forward. "I thought you might be willing to help me  
out. Attract her attention away from me. You could do the Eye  
Thing on her, could you not? Is that not your usual method?"

"The Eye Thing?" I repeated in outrage. "My usual method?"

Haldir quirked an eyebrow. "Am I mistaken?"

"Haldir," I replied, maintaining my dignity despite the fact that I  
was shocked to the core, "I have not employed what you call the eye   
thing' in centuries; that was a method I used when I was young and   
inexperienced (a very long time ago, as my readers can imagine).  
These days such tactics are wholly unnecessary. Why should I resort  
to such tactics? The ellith flock to my side. Have you not   
noticed?"

"Hmm, well, I have heard you called Don Juan DeLurien a few times,  
but I thought twas no more than a jest."

My nostrils quivered with indignation. "Have you not heard about my   
interlude with (Jane I)?"

Haldir smirked. "Of course, Lurien. Everyone has."

"Does that not prove my prowess and popularity as a Lover  
Extraordinaire? Or do you imply that she exaggerates?"

"Look," Haldir said, holding up his hands as if to beg  
forgiveness, "I meant no insult. I only meant that you have the  
necessary skills to help me out. I thought you might turn (Jane  
II's) attentions away from me and toward yourself. You're a  
handsome fellow. You'd know what to say to her. I do not. I fear  
I might wound her delicate feelings, and I'd rather not do that."

His humble admission of incompetence in dealing with Jane II made me   
feel slightly better. "I suppose," I said slowly, "I could attempt  
to distract her away from you. A night with me would certainly aid  
your cause. Indeed, how could she think of you after I have  
pleasured her?" (I did not mean to boast; I was simply stating  
facts as I'm sure my readers will agree.)

"Exactly what I was thinking," Haldir said heartily. "I knew I   
could count on you, Lurien old friend." He rose to his feet as  
though our business was concluded.

"Wait," I said. "There is one other detail we need to discuss."

Haldir looked at me quizzically and then sat down again.

"This has got to be a temporary arrangement," I pointed out. "I am  
not going to marry her just to save your hide."

"No, no, of course not," Haldir agreed. "I was not expecting that."

"I need to keep myself free," I continued in my most dogged   
manner, "for all the other ellith who desire me, not to mention the   
mortal ladies who wish to enjoy my company."

Haldir nodded. "Naturally. That is my goal as well."

"You think I am safe?" I asked bluntly.

Looking pensive, Haldir drummed his fingers on the table. "Yes, I  
think so. This elleth will learn that if she is attracted to you,  
then I must not be the One for her. At the same time, she will  
realize that you are not the One for her because she was attracted  
to me. Make sense?"

I struggled with this for a moment, wondering if I should point out   
that ellith were not always as logical as Haldir was  
insinuating. "I suppose so," I said doubtfully. "But if this plan   
fails, who will rescue me?"

"Rúmil," Haldir said with confidence.

"Oh?" I found myself wondering if Rúmil had it in him to turn (Jane   
II's) interest away from me.

"Certainly. You can count on Rúmil if problems arise. I'll speak  
to him myself."

"Very well," I agreed, as an alluring image of Jane II suddenly  
arose in my mind, sending another part of me skyward. "She is   
certainly a comely elleth. Have you . . . ahem?"

"Have I . . . ahem?" Haldir repeated, looking mystified.

"I was just wondering if she was . . . you know." What I actually   
wanted to know was whether she was a screamer like Jane I, but my  
natural delicacy and tact shied away from asking. I had hoped he  
would catch on, but my hope was in vain.

"No, I don't know," Haldir said. He sounded amused.

I rolled my eyes, wondering how he could be so obtuse. "Have you   
had her in your talan?" I asked, hoping my meaning was clear.

Apparently, this time it was, but his reply was unexpected.

"I have not had her at all, Lurien."

"Really?" I was astonished.

"I have no idea what she is like in bed."

"Are you not curious?"

"Not really."

I was flabbergasted.

"I did not feel it was right to encourage her in that respect," he   
explained, "given the extent of her obsession with me."

I reached for my drink, which I had nearly forgotten, and took a  
hefty swig. As the warm liquid rushed down my throat, I found  
myself wondering just what I was getting myself into.

"You, however, may do as you like," Haldir told me benevolently.

"Well, thank you very much," I replied with a touch of sarcasm.

Haldir only nodded. Typical.

I hesitated, thinking this over, while a certain body part nagged me   
with its own opinion. After a short deliberation, it and I reached  
an accord.

"It is my opinion," I said, "that the elleth in question (Jane II)  
will be far better served if I introduce her to the delights for  
which I am so widely renowned. That will take her mind off that  
other nonsense. She will lie in my arms, sated and delirious,  
unable even to remember your face, my friend."

"I am sure you are right. Good luck, Lurien." And with these   
words, Haldir finally took his leave, looking mightily relieved.

I sat on alone, staring into my drink while I pondered my mission.  
I had agreed to help Haldir, therefore I would do so. Honor  
demanded it. The Marchwarden, though adept with weaponry, seemed to  
be far less skilled than I when it came to managing ellith. And  
this situation clearly demanded skillful handling.

I could do it.

So it was that I set out that very evening to pursue and entice Jane   
II. And that, dear readers, is another story. I will only say that  
I successfully rescued Haldir without resorting to any eye  
tricks'. My reputation as a Lover Extraordinaire remained  
undamaged, and indeed had already preceded me, for it seemed that  
Jane II had met up with Jane I, which meant that Jane II was already   
curious about me.

And although I never kiss and tell, I will say that Jane II proved  
to be highly melodious in her vocal emissions during the most   
interesting moments of our lengthy encounter(s). Naturally I was  
able to satisfy her every desire as only I, Lurien, can do.

There is only one small problem. I can find more combs than I know  
what to do with.

But I cannot find Rúmil.


	3. Not For the Faint of Heart

Title: Not For the Faint of Heart  
Author: Lurien of Lórien, Sentinel Extraordinaire, Equal Opportunity Lover  
Disclaimer: I, Lurien, know very little about this Tolkien fellow and do not own anything he might have created. I only own myself.  
Characters: Lurien/OFC

* * *

Many of you will remember the previous tales I have shared with my gentle and adoring readers. 

In 'The Missing Comb' incident, I had my comb stolen. The event was traumatic, but the lusty elleth who took it (Jane I) restored it to me before I was forced to report for duty with my hair in disarray. In turn, I obliged her with a 'quickie' that pleased her so much that even to this day she refers to it. We have had many encounters since then, I might add, but not all of them are quickies.

In 'A Temporary Arrangement', I agreed to assist my good friend Haldir with a problem (Jane II). Jane II was not a screamer like Jane I (a fact that Haldir never discovered for himself) but unfortunately she was a clinger. I eventually detached myself from her with the help of my good friend Rúmil. (He hid from me for days, but I finally tracked him down). In turn, Rúmil was rescued by Orophin. Someone else rescued Orophin. You can extrapolate from there, I am sure.

Of course my exploits with ellith did not stop there. Being Lurien, I continue to attract admiring interest from the various ellith I encounter. This suits me well, since I am always ready to enjoy the company of a willing female.

But I digress.

On the day of my next noteworthy adventure, I rose from my bed with a smile on my face, replete with the satisfaction of a night of passionate lovemaking. The beautiful elleth beside me (whom I will call Jane III since I do not kiss and tell) still slept, and I smiled reminiscently, thinking of how eagerly she had kept me 'up' all night, if you get my drift. I hasten to add that I, Lurien, was able to satisfy her every desire (repeatedly) as only I can do.

She slept on peacefully, a bewitching smile curving her lovely lips, and as I watched her I saw her murmur something in her sleep that I could not quite hear. I bent closer, curious to know what it was she was saying. Needless to say, I expected it to be something complimentary toward myself since I was Lurien and she was an elleth and we were together. It only made sense.

Instead, I heard something that shocked me to the core.

I drew back, eyeing her with disbelief. And then I heard it again, unmistakably.

"Yes, Haldir . . . yes, yes, yes," she murmured, in a kittenish voice.

I touched her shoulder to wake her. "It is I, Lurien," I said to her reprovingly.

Opening her eyes, Jane III smiled at me innocently. "Good morning, Lurien."

I replied to her greeting, then added stiffly, "You were dreaming about someone?"

"I was dreaming about Haldir," she replied, looking not at all guilty. "I dreamt he was making love to me."

"Indeed," I said coolly.

She stretched her arms and yawned. "Yes, it was wonderful. He is soooo good in bed."

"Indeed," I repeated, even more coolly. I really expected her to get the hint.

"Yes. He has this thing he does with his lips that drives me crazy--"

"Jane," I cut in, wishing to be spared the details, "need I remind you that it is I, Lurien, whose lips pleasured you last night. Do you not recall?"

She blinked at me. "Of course I recall, Lurien. Are you confused?"

"Am I confused?" Now I was really confused. "Why would you think that?"

"Did you think you were with something else?" she asked with a frown.

"I know perfectly well who I was with," I said peevishly. "I am not the one whispering someone else's name."

"I beg your pardon, did I whisper someone's name?"

"You mentioned Haldir," I said, my patience hanging by a thread. "Just a few moments ago. Do you not remember?"

"Well, yes, Lurien. I was dreaming about him. I did not whisper his name while we were DOING it. That would be different."

I sighed. Was I the only one with sensibilities? Apparently my point was entirely lost on this lovely but thickheaded elleth.

"You were in my dream too," she said coyly.

This comment was not entirely unwelcome, but I greeted it cautiously with an upraised brow and an "Oh?"

She smiled sweetly. "I was in bed with you both."

This was REALLY not what I wanted to hear at this hour of the morning. "Would you care for some oatmeal?" I inquired. "Or perhaps pancakes?"

"You don't want to hear about my dream?" Pouting a little, she sat up and let the covers fall to her hips.

I swallowed hard. "Not really," I said weakly. "Is it not . . . rather personal?"

"Oh, I don't mind sharing it," she assured me. She pushed the covers all the way to her knees and patted the bed beside her. "Come sit with me while I tell you."

What could I do but sit? The sight of her naked ellethly charms was having its usual invigorating effect on my elfhood, but I made no move to do anything about it. It was clear that I must listen to her dream first. I might as well get it over with.

"You were both naked," she began, "and you were both my love slaves."

"Jane," I interjected, "are you certain you want to tell me this?"

"I don't mind, Lurien. It is very erotic."

Not to me, I wanted to say, but I did not. Instead I gave her a feeble smile, an achievement for which I think I should receive a great deal of credit. My gentle readers should note that I have a large supply of forbearance, far more than I am often given credit for. (Even so, dear ladies, I could live without knowing the details of any erotic dreams that do not involve me.)

Jane slid her hand up my muscular leg. "First I let you both kiss my feet while I compared the size of your elfhoods and tried to decide which one of you I wanted first."

I stood up rapidly. "It was only a dream," I said. "It means nothing."

"It was VERY realistic," she countered. "Don't you want to know which of you I chose?"

"No," I said baldly. "I am hungry and would like my breakfast."

"I chose you," she announced, looking smug.

"You did?" I sat down again. "Really?"

"Yes, I did. You were my appetizer AND my entrée. Haldir was my dessert."

"Ah," I said, gratified to know that I had apparently outdone my good friend Haldir.

"I had dessert three times," she added blissfully.

I rose quickly to my feet. "Oatmeal or pancakes?" I asked. "I can make either equally well."

"And three appetizers," she added with a twinkle in her eyes.

I sat down again. "Really? How many entrees?"

"Four," she informed me. "You were quite worn out by then."

"And only three desserts," I mused, with a smirk at Haldir's expense.

"Well, you woke me up at the wrong moment, Lurien. He was just doing that delicious thing with his lips right against my--"

"Pancakes!" I said loudly, leaping to my feet. "I'm in the mood for pancakes!"

I felt a delicate hand wrap firmly around my elfhood (which was not behaving as though pancakes were what I actually wanted). I stood still and looked at her, trying not to appear as though I was about to jump her. After all, I am Lurien, and Lurien is NEVER desperate in the elleth department.

"Pancakes?" she repeated slyly. "I don't think so, Lurien. I'm in the mood for dessert not breakfast. You have no idea how much dessert I can eat."

I sat down again, smiling in what I hoped was a sophisticated manner. "Then show me, dear Jane."

"Oh, so now my little Lurikins doesn't want his pancakes?" she teased, trailing one of her slim elleth fingers down the center of my chest until she met a very large obstruction.

I leaned over and nuzzled my nose near her ear. "Little Lurikins can have pancakes later. Right now he'd rather have Jane."

She giggled. "I didn't tell you about another part of the dream."

I ran my tongue down her neck to her collar bone. "I do not need to hear it all."

"But I want to tell you," she insisted, rubbing her thumb against a part of me that was apparently unoffended by any of this. "This other part is what I would call the intermission."

"The intermission?" I repeated, at a profound loss for words. Did one have intermissions during dinner? Or during sex? "What did I do?"

"Oh, YOU didn't do anything," she explained. "You and Haldir just watched."

"Oh?" My mind leaped forward to form some rather provocative images.

"I was with Rúmil."

"Rúmil!" I repeated with outrage. I was shocked to discover I was shocked.

"He is so cute and clever," she explained. "And so extremely good with his--"

"Oatmeal," I said hastily. "I'm in the mood for it now, if you will excuse me."

Her blue eyes reproached me. "But don't you want to know what Orophin was doing?"

"OROPHIN?" I squawked, glaring at her. "Orophin was there TOO?"

She nodded prettily. "He was with Rúmil. They were both in bed with me while you and Haldir--"

"Watched," I supplied with my teeth tightly shut.

"Yes, you watched. And you liked it, both of you did."

"Jane," I said firmly, "I hesitate to disagree with you, but I really must protest. If I am with a naked elleth, I am disinclined to share her with anyone."

"Well, good," she said, thereby confounding me once more.

"Good?" I stared at her, completely stumped as to what might possibly be going on in her mind.

"Yes, good. I would not like it at all if you wanted to share me. I would find that offensive."

Even more confused, I debated whether or not I really wanted to understand, but the look on her face told me that if I (and my elfhood) wanted any more of her ellethly attentions, I had better show some interest. Unfortunately, by this time the conversational theme had uplifted me to a degree that was almost painful.

"Would you care to explain?" I said with resignation.

"Well, I would think you would just KNOW, Lurien," she said reproachfully. "It was just a dream, NOT something I want to do in real life. Don't you understand the difference?"

I stared at her speechlessly.

"Oh, never mind," she said with a sigh. "You ellyn are all so incomprehensible to me. All you ever think about is sex."

The injustice of this almost choked me, but I somehow managed to keep a straight face. "Forgive me," I said humbly. "If I think about such things, it is only because you are so beautiful and desirable that I cannot prevent myself."

"Really, Lurien?" she almost squealed. "Oh, that is just so sweet!"

I bent down and kissed her, convinced that I had successfully navigated all rough waters.

She returned my kiss briefly, then removed her lips from mine. "Would it bother you if I told you that the sons of Elrond were there too?"

"The sons of Elrond?" I said blankly.

"In my dream," she reminisced, sounding nostalgic.

Wonderful. The elleth who had been mine throughout the night had, in her dreams, been in bed with five other elves beside myself, a circumstance that was NOT flattering to me in the least. Dealing with Jane III and her dreams was not for the faint of heart, but I could cope with it. After all, I am Lurien.

"Jane," I said with a long-suffering sigh, "at this point nothing would bother me."

She touched my cheek with affection. "Lurien, you are so cute when you're annoyed. Of course it bothers you. It threatens your ego."

"My ego? What ego?" I was honestly bewildered.

"I have merely been teasing you all this time," she told me while pulling me down on top of her. "Did you not suspect?"

"You've been teasing me?" I stared at her, feeling extremely put out even while my elfhood settled into a hopeful and promising position.

"Yes." She grinned up at me, her dimples flashing. "I am sorry, but I could not resist. Will you forgive me?"

"Yes, but . . . are you saying you did not have that dream?"

She shook her head, her eyes dancing mischievously. "No, I did not. In fact the only elf I dreamed about was . . . "

She paused, and I waited, my breath held. Was she about to say my name? Or Haldir's?

"Lord Celeborn," she revealed, nipping me lightly. "I dreamt he had adopted a pet chicken and was walking around Lórien with it tucked under his arm." She burst out laughing at the expression on my face. "Silly Lurien, I am teasing you again. I dreamt of YOU of course. Now stop looking sulky and make love to me. Don't you want me for breakfast? I thought you were hungry."

My devoted readers need hardly be told that I, Lurien, eagerly and expertly (and with great relief) complied with her request with no further protestations or ado. While the workings of the female mind continue to elude me, in no other way do ellith perplex me. I know exactly what they like, and Jane III was no different in this respect. I am sure I need not mention (although I will anyway) that I, Lurien, completely satisfied her every desire, just as I had the night before.

I will also share with you, my adoring readers, that Jane III wore a most contented smile on her face when she finally left my talan. As I strolled leisurely through the city later that day, the admiring glances cast my way from every elleth I encountered suggested to me that Jane III had gossiped about my extraordinary prowess and stamina. This did not disturb me; I was used to it by now. The most important thing was that my reputation as a Lover Extraordinaire remained intact (not that there had ever been a moment of doubt).

Still, moments of that day were traumatic for me, prompting me to remind myself more than once of Jane III's confession that it was I, Lurien, who had filled her dreams (as well as other intriguing places) and NOT any of the other five elves. Again and again I told myself that she had merely been pulling my leg about her rather scandalous dream. I, Lurien, was her preference.

The only thing that made me slightly uneasy (and I feel sure you will understand and agree) is that this whole story took place on the same day that I saw Lord Celeborn walking around the city . . . with a chicken under his arm.

Honestly, it would make anyone nervous!

But that is a tale for another day.


End file.
